Saturday, December 24, 2011

Mega-Python vs. Gatoroid

Posted by Matt

I love cheesy sci-fi monster movies. I love pop music. And I am prepared to tell you all about a battle royale pitting Debbie Gibson against Tiffany against a few CGI reptiles...Spoiler alert

Movie opens with Miss Gibson looking amazing as she leads a guy and a girl on a mission to pose in sexy black outfits and steal big snakes from Ye Olde Generic Laboratory in the name of animal liberation. Like PETA with clothes on. But unfortunately, releasing the snakes means they turn into giant CGI monsters who have already eaten some swampland extra's dog by minute five of this movie, so the locals call in Tiffany and in she walks, dressed like a stripper dressed like a park ranger. And her plucky assistant is Mrs. Landingham, so it's pretty much impossible to tell whose side I'm more on at this point... leaning toward Team Debbie...

Miss Debbie is now exploring the swamp and insulting swampland extras, and she whips out some pheremones to lure a giant snake after watching it kill a gator. Unfortunately, she only attracts Tiffany's boyfriend. It's like I dreamed this movie... Miss Tiffany retaliates by organizing the extras to kill all the pythons. Debbie counters by organizing protestors who seem drawn to her fabulous sixties-meets-pretentious-undergrad ensemble, then calling her a bitch. Team Debbie.

Big old snakes spend the next few scenes squeezing and eating locals, demonstrating graphics almost as good as I could get on a Wii game of this movie. A giant gator gets in on some of the action, and a python almost eats Tiffany's guy. When he calls her to tell her, he gets eaten by a half-dozen giant snakes, and Tiffany swears her vengeance by hacking one to pieces with a Bowie knife, then throttling sassy hippie Debbie. Mrs. Landingham is trying to help her plot stuff, but I can't hear them because Miss Debbie has switched to this jaw-dropping high pony that has taken my breath away. I don't care if Tiffany's secret weapon is a musical number, I can't switch sides from that ponytail... unless it's a REALLY good musical number.

Her secret weapon is Mrs. Landingham's superhot son and the steroids he can give them. Very good try, but no high pony. Tiffany doses up some gators and cackles out delightfully ludicrous monologues about nature and balance. Some people really can't handle being single. And holy crap, it's just lunatic prelude to this montage of clips of gators getting bigger to the tune of Ke$ha's "Take It Off" and I wonder seriously who I can thank for this. But it's not actually the Ke$ha song, because the lyrics are "I will charm the snake/ and I'll rule the Everglades." This movie is genius. It is a really good musical number.

Some gator scientist establishes that we've jumped six months into the future, and Tiffany is drunk on the power of being Head Park Ranger and throwing some big fundraiser and she is NOT interested in reports of giant CGI monsters, even though they are now eating members of Debbie Gibson's team. Debbie tries to escape by taking her little white tank top into the water, and this inspires the scientist to rescue her even though her hair is back down. No one is getting out of this movie with her hands clean. It's like Game of Thrones for the B-movie set.

Holy poo, Mickey from the Monkees has arrived for Tiffany's fundraiser, and Tiffany's boobs want nothing to do with her black gown, and everyone is drinking and mingling to that amazing rule-the-Everglades song. And Miss Debbie Gibson crashes the party in a strapless white minidress as a song plays about some girl shedding her skin. I think the actresses sang the soundtrack, but I can't remember what they sound like... I want to attend this fundraiser. Especially when the girls get in another screaming match including Debbie saying, "Bitch, please!" and Tiffany slapping her and then a series of shots of the girls throwing each other all over the fundraiser and, yes, pulling some hair. This movie was worth every penny invested. I mean, the pie-to-the-face fight alone...

By now, monsters have invaded the fundraiser and eaten Mickey Dolenz, but the main event is still the girls punching each other, now relocated to the adjacent swamp. "Do you hear something?" asks Tiffany. "No... I think we're alone now." Genius. And when the monsters bust out of the 'Glades and eat Miami, the girls agree that at least they'll never have to go to the mall again. This whole movie is about drinking with your friends at 2 AM and saying, "Wouldn't it be cool if..."

Tiffany and Debbie unite to throw a lot of pheremones into one place, and that place happens to be the local nuclear plant, and the monsters are all gathering. Tiffany has to grab the pheremone supply to lure them away from the reactor while Debbie plants dynamite in their secret egg-laying lairs, but after that catfight, I have trouble paying attention. Tiffany rescues Debbie, they decide they're friends now, I lose more interest. But I am riveted when a helicopter comes to rescue them and Tiffany gets eaten by a gator before they can escape. I totally picked the right team here, but I am sad and surprised. But the shocks don't stop there because Debbie blows up all the monsters, and the shockwave knocks her out of the helicopter, and she gets eaten by a dying python! Did NOT see that coming.

In summary, this movie was a great way to spend an hour and a half. The leads really got the joke, the writers had excellent pacing, and I laughed out loud more than once. Highly recommended.

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